gloomy sunday – Honeybee by Steam Powered Giraffe

This song’s meaning transformed for me over the span of a few years. It helped me grieve relationships that I would never have the chance to nurture. It helped me process making decisions that I wished I hadn’t.

It’s why I decided to get a tattoo of a honeybee. I’m writing this before my session, but hopefully the outline is done. I’ll eventually make a longer post on what this piece of my sleeve means to me and how the song fits into it.

This song sounds like a dream. It ebbs and flows and floats by in a way that is guaranteed to leave me sobbing by the end. To be honest, I haven’t fallen in love with this band, but this is one of a couple of songs by them that stand out to me. Good harmonies always get me. (There’s that choir girl coming out, I guess.)

Ouch.

gloomy sunday – Leave by Glen Hansard

How many times have you had to push people away even when you didn’t really want to? For me, it’s been habitual. Sometimes I had good reasons for it, but I usually didn’t. Pushing people away is my forte. (I’ll get into that more in a post later this week.)

This song hits the nail on the head for me, from the perspective of some of the many people I’ve hurt along the way.

Leave, leave
I don’t understand, you’ve already gone

 

gloomy sunday – Smoking Section by St. Vincent

I’m slightly obsessed with this song right now, even though I’m in a good place mentally and emotionally. I’ve listened to this song on a loop more than once. The rest of the album doesn’t really have much of an impact on me, but this song – the last track on the album – more than makes up for it.

The ending lines repeating “it’s not the end” over and over sting so much. My partner interprets this as hopeful, but it sounds to be like a prayer when contrasted with the rest of the song, and when considering that this is how the album closes itself out.

Please, let me have a reason to keep going.

And then, it doesn’t.

gloomy sunday – Black Sandy Beaches by The Dear Hunter

Sex work is one of those subjects that a lot of people don’t get into. The main character in this story falls in love with a prostitute and breaks things off with her when he can’t come to terms with her occupation. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this band overall because of the way sex work is demonized (in general and in their music in particular), but I do really like this song. It hurts.

My birth mother was once a prostitute. I know a good number of people who have also done sex work in the past or are even doing it now. I have my own personal history with sex work (that I’ll get into at some point in the future, but most certainly not in this post).

The contrast between my birth mother’s story and those of my peers and myself is striking. Times are changing as women have more agency over their bodies and are more able to choose their own paths in a way that’s safe. My birth mother wound up being beaten nearly to death and spent her 16th birthday in a coma. Unfortunately, this kind of thing still happens today.

Sex work should always involve people making conscious choices. No one should ever feel coerced, threatened, or trapped into doing any kind of work, but sex work especially so.

Stop demonizing sex workers. Demonize the people who harm them instead.

gloomy sunday – Christmas Lights by Paul Baribeau

I am learning how to be alone without being lonely,
learning how to be lonely without losing my mind

This was one of my most listened to songs of 2017. It’s funny to me now, knowing how much I would learn about loneliness this year. I got so used to having someone to talk to anytime, all the time, and it had gotten to the point where I couldn’t even be in a quiet room without freaking out. Greg would have to make sure I put something on the tv before he left to go to the grocery store when he was still working from home. Now, I enjoy the silence.

This year started off pretty hard, had some rocky points, and there are always going to be people who would gladly tear me down if given the chance, but I’ll be damned if I don’t enjoy my life now more than I ever have.

Anyway, this song is sad, but sometimes meanings change as we change, too.