what comes before the first step?

I want to say that rock bottom was
the first time I had a panic attack
while I was stoned
after having four or five caffeine pills
because I was experimenting
and would inhale and swallow and snort anything
and I curled up
in the grass
and my heart thumped through me
and my friends left me alone in the woods
with my anxious thoughts

I want to say that rock bottom was
the first time I did ketamine –
I didn’t research it
and I said yes after parachuting oxycontin
and passing around a bottle of Skyy
and packing a second bowl –
I was too messed up to care
and I laid on my stomach
in the grass
and called my boyfriend
and told him I was calling to say goodbye

I want to say that rock bottom was
when my mom offered me a beer
when I had her pick me up during my first bad trip
after I had put complete faith in my dealer
smoking meth after I told him I never would
because he said it would make me feel better
taking a pill that I never heard the name of
passing around more blunts than I remember
completely losing touch with reality
being so sure that I had died
that it fucked with me
for years

I want to say that rock bottom was
smoking weed laced with salvia
outside of a show
and calling the cops on myself
because I dove back through time
and was sure all over again that
I was out of touch
and dying somewhere else
while I continued to move in circles
in my drug-driven dreamland

I want to say that rock bottom was
stealing my exboyfriend’s painkillers
and passing out on his couch

I want to say that rock bottom was
saying anything I needed
jumping through all of the hoops
to get prescriptions to pills that I knew
I would abuse
and later realizing
my doctor was willing to give them to me
if I just asked flat out
because it was never his job to care about me

I want to say that rock bottom was
skipping classes in college
because I was too anxious
popping extra klonopin after ditching
until I lost count
so that I can no longer remember
how did I even get home?
what else did I do that day?

I want to say that rock bottom was
the first time I overdosed on benzos
and I laid on the couch
and my four-year-old niece
cried
and asked me to stop
and my mom let me know
that she had given up on me

I want to say that rock bottom was
when my boyfriend took me to the emergency room
and asked me to make myself throw up
in the parking lot

I want to say that rock bottom was
when taking 17 klonopin
was not enough to knock me out
but instead I have a blurry recollection
of a brisk walk home
and my friends
lost their faith in me
because, after all
how could I still be standing after consuming so much?
I must have been manipulating them
I must have been lying to them

I want to say that rock bottom was
going to work after having my klonopin
and a beer
just to make it kick in faster
so that I could deal with the hostile environment

I want to say that rock bottom was
going to rehab
and getting the number of the heroin-addicted girl
who offered to hit my vein

I want to say that rock bottom was
the months I spent doing nothing
but get stoned in my bed
on someone else’s dollar
while other people made sure that I ate
because I could not take care of myself

I want to say that rock bottom was
discovering that I had a gluten allergy
and that’s why I always had so much trouble with beer
but I drank it anyway
with amphetamines so that I could stay awake
and klonopin so that I could be anxiety-free

I want to say that rock bottom was
introducing my boyfriend to my drug of choice
telling him to walk barefoot
in the grass
and feeling nothing
that no high could be enough for me anymore

I want to say that rock bottom was
realizing for the first time that
I had been abusing benadryl for years
to help me sleep
which never struck me as a problem
because it was over-the-counter

if none of those things are rock bottom
how can I know for sure
that this time it is
and that this time
I have finally had enough?