addict to addict

I am not shy about talking discussing my struggle with being an addict. At this point, if you know me, you probably know that I choose not to drink or do drugs because I am the type of person that just takes things too far. I excused a lot of bad behavior with my using. Now, I work a lot harder to hold myself accountable for my shortcomings. I want to be a person that I can feel good about being. Feeling good about myself makes me want to use less (most days), so trying to me consistently on my best behavior is really a win/win situation.

One of the reasons that I love working at a music venue is being surrounded by people who are drunk. It isn’t because I miss drinking, but instead because I like to remind myself of why I don’t drink anymore. I see in some of them the same pain that I felt as they sit outside of the venue on the steps, sipping water, being propped up by a friend, or as they are denied a drinking wristband for showing up to the event drunk, or as they scream at me to hang up my fucking coat right now, you’re wasting my time by not hurrying. I was never an aggressive drunk, but I definitely shared this lack of self-control with some of the patrons.

The thing is, I get to wash my hands of the night as soon as I’m off the clock. I don’t have to worry about seeing people again if they threaten me – security has got my back. What I get to take home is the reminder that I could easily fall back into being the same kind of person by excusing sick and cruel behavior with drugs and alcohol. These people clearly haven’t escaped yet, and I hope that they do, but I am also thankful that they are there to remind me of where I could wind up if I misstep. As soon as I leave that building and get into the car with my partner and my daughter, I am reminded of what I have to lose by “going back out” (as they call relapses in 12 step meetings).

Screaming, drunken strangers can’t take my peace from me, even if they’re getting in my face and cussing me out, tensing up as if they might actually hit me for not meeting their demands. I might give them a few moments, but that’s really all I have to spare for them. The rest is gratitude.

I am so, so thankful that I am not as miserable as you clearly are.